I now listen to everything.
I mean, every single thing.
What he says when anyone calls, how he says it. If he’s smiling unusually, the expression on his face. I watch them all, maybe I can find a sign and prevent it from happening again.
He picks his phone up and something from inside my stomach starts to clench.
I screen every hi, every hello, every smile for a stranger.
He hugs a friend for a second longer and I wince. He texts someone back and I whimper.
I look at WhatsApp, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, everything. I have become this obsessive stalker even I do not recognise.
And everyday, I beg God. I ask him to give me back my ability to be unbothered. I ask him to take me back to that state of mind of not knowing. I tell him to make me less suspicious, less anxious, less worrisome but nothing happens.
I am trapped in the aftermath of what happens when you hold on to a lover whose eyes strayed.
Every chance I get, I peer at whatever he’s doing on his phone. My left eye is almost permanently slanted from all the times I try to see what he’s doing on his device. When he closes his tabs a tad too fast and puts the phone down, thoughts start to race in my head. Something clenches inside my chest, like a monster gnawing at my heart.
Still, I continue to hope that it will be alright and that this too shall pass. But I can’t seem to find where to purchase that type of time that heals everything anywhere, no matter how hard I look.
I say that I’m afraid about 5 times a day, or more. This is because I am. I do not know how to stop the abdominal clenches or the nervousness. I do not know how to stop the intensified breathing or the tightness in my chest when my memories won’t let me be. I simply do not know.
And even when I know that hope is a dangerous thing that can drive a man insane, I have no choice but to keep hoping that something will change.
Hey guys, how’s the new year? I’m trying to write more this month. Hope this post suffices for all the times I’ve been MIA. Stay awesome!