I want to say that I’m sorry but I’m not.
I got tired of ploughing through life everyday .
Pretending to be something I wasn’t.
I haven’t left my room in weeks and
nobody has asked me why. It’ll be perfect if I weren’t even here even. My phone never rings. Nobody cares.
I have skipped class for straight 3 weeks and nobody even turned their heads towards me to say hello when I entered on Monday. Why I’ve stopped asking questions in class. Why I have stopped writing or taking pictures or talking.
I compare myself to every other girl, and I lose. I lose every time. Everyone is taller, bigger, looks better.
I’ve been staying indoors always because I always feel awful in the midst of people. Very exhausting.
I tried to explain it, Mom. You said it was laziness. You said I wasn’t praying hard enough. I thought it was something I did. I didn’t know why God wouldn’t take the emptiness away.
I tried to reach out to you, Kim. You never showed up. He was always taking up all your time. You only called to ask me for money or help. I tried to tell you that I just needed you to show up, but you loved him more and that couldn’t be helped.
I wanted an apology, Tim. The one where you say you’re sorry for taking my life from me and being a bad brother. Yes. That one.
I wanted answers, Dad. I wanted to know why you never chose me. Why you painted me the black sheep. Why you gave me the life you couldn’t have instead of the one I wanted. Why you gave me scars for the most trivial things. I wanted answers.
But maybe I am sorry, Ken. I let you down. I know I promised to listen to all your comic ideas and take you around school when you become a freshman next year. I know I told you to be strong, like me. I’m sorry I lied to you. You need to tell Sami I’m sorry as well. I can’t tell her myself.
Sam, your love could not save me. I apologise for all the pain that will make your heart throb in the middle of the night. How could I have told you, that you weren’t enough? That every time you stepped out the door, my world came collapsing again. I hope you find someone who doesn’t make you constantly worry or fret, who doesn’t wake up at 3am in the morning, confused and in tears.
And if you were wondering, I drank 3 bottles of the Tylenol I hid behind my copy of Americanah on my shelf. Please place it beside me when they come to take me away.
And please, show people you love them. Let them know that you care. Show up. Please show up. It’s important.
I wrote this for my writing group. Hope it’s not too crappy.
How have y’all been holding up?
I’m finally back from my self imposed hiatus. I’ll be starting a Young Adult fiction series soon. Look forward to it!