We sat in the dark and the only thing that was on was the ceiling fan. For the first time, I wasn’t fully clothed and did not feel weird about it.
My head was on his chest. “Fola, how right is this? “, I asked. He said nothing and
caressed my ears. “Did you hear what I said?”.
“Yeah, I heard you. We don’t have to do anything”. A sudden warmth rose in my chest. I raised my head and smiled at him in the dark. He didn’t see it but I didn’t care.
“Fola, I love this feeling. I love that I can be like this with you and not be ashamed. I love that I can do only what I’m sure I want to do without pressure and that I can be wholly me.” I clung to him. He said nothing still, but I understood the contented acknowledgment in his silence.
I wanted to say more. So many things were spiralling in my head but I didn’t have words for them. I have never felt so much inner calm before and it’s funny how I can ramble on and on with my friends and but get tongue-tied when I want to tell Fola how I feel.
Maybe some things do not need to be said. Maybe I don’t have to say everything I feel. Maybe I don’t need to tell him how I think he feels like home or how I like the feel of his hands on mine. Maybe there is really no need.
But there’s this nagging thought . This tiny fear. I don’t want to feel this way with anybody else but I don’t want to hope too much either. It’s been three years now and I wonder how much more I have left before the expected happens.
I shouldn’t think like this. I really should not. I hug him tight and bury my face in his neck. “Don’t go away, Fola”.
“I won’t. I’m here”
“Happiness is like water,the more we try to hold on to it, the more it slips through our fingers”
– Chinelo Okparanta.